This is probably one of the most difficult blog posts, I’ve ever written. That’s because I just can’t make myself write it. I really want to share this story with you, but I don’t know how to find the energy for it. I’ve tried starting to write this blog post several times, but I couldn’t even make it through the first line. It seems impossible to me to put my story in writing. I guess, you figured out what’s holding me back by reading the title of this blog post – it’s depression.
How it all started
You might know from Facebook or recent blog posts that I started an internship a few weeks ago. It’s part of my education, that you should do an internship for three months. I got permission to extend my internship to six months and work part time instead. So, I should only work 20 hours per week. That should be manageable, right? Well, it seemed like it in the beginning. I was really nervous, when I first started my internship, but everyone was really nice, and my job tasks were very interesting and exciting. So, I thought, things would go well.
The first signs
After my first week of the internship I could see some signs that I wasn’t doing that great anyway. I was really exhausted every day. I had to start taking a nap in the afternoon and skipping more and more of my spare time activities because I just didn’t have the energy for it. But I thought it was normal. I thought it was a part of being autistic. I always have a hard time with new things. I need time to adjust and that takes a lot of energy. Also, everyone I talked to, said that it was normal to feel exhausted after work. I guess, it still was kind of normal at that point. I didn’t have any energy, but I still enjoyed stuff and I had the desire to do more things. Unfortunately, that changed over time.
How it got worse
At first, I chose to do less in my spare time to get more energy. But later on, I also didn’t feel like doing anything anymore. I lost interest in nearly everything. After work, I spent most of my time in bed. Either I was sleeping or watching movies. Then one weekend I didn’t even have energy to watch movies anymore. That’s kind of where I noticed that something was wrong. I knew that I needed help to figure out if this really still was part of my autism or if there was something wrong. After a few days I got an appointment with my psychiatrist.
There are so many symptoms, I experience, that I made a whole list about it to not forget everything, when I got to talk to my psychiatrist. I already told you about the missing energy and that I can’t really enjoy anything anymore. These are probably the worst things. Also, I cry very easily all the time, my anxiety got worse again and with that I’m nauseous really often. I also have troubles concentrating and making decisions. There are some more things, but I don’t want them to fill the whole page.
Autism or depression?
When I wrote down all my symptoms, I did obviously realize that it seemed like I googled all the depression symptoms and listed them. But I was still in doubt, if I really had a depression or if it was still all because of my autism. Also, I’m not a medical professional, so I definitely couldn’t diagnose myself with anything anyway. I think the biggest reason why I was still in doubt was, because of my lack of energy. I was wondering if that was because of my autism and if it caused all the other problems. Luckily, I had this appointment with my psychiatrist, and he could give me some answers. He could quite easily see, that it seems like I have a depression. That means that I’m back on antidepressants now and hope that the medication will help me get better soon.
What happens with my blog?
It definitely took me a lot longer to write this blog post than it usually does, but I did manage quite well, didn’t I?! So now there’s just one part missing. I need to tell you what I’m planning with my blog during the time I’m ill. I found some people who are interested in writing guest articles on my blog. So, I’m going to share a lot of those within the next weeks. I just wanted to let you know, so that you’re not going to be surprised to see less of my own content but more guest articles. I hope that I’m soon ready to write some more of my own blog posts again and that you’ll enjoy the guest articles in the meantime.